Sandy Hook Touches the World

I haven't blogged in sometime, but in the wake of this tragedy in my own backyard I felt compelled to write.

My daughter attends sandy hook elementary school. I just switched her there in October. Thankfully for us, she attends the pm kindergarten session because she did not want to participate in nap time at her current daycare. She is five and did not have to witness the tragic events that occurred at her school just next door. I keep thinking what if....and I know that so many families are probably thinking the same thing but are not able to hear the laughter of their little ones. They will never hold them or tell them everything is going to be ok. So how dare I even think those thoughts when I can?

I have stopped thinking this way and have been trying to find something, anything good that could have possibly come from this.

So I have realized that people all across the world have come together. People we are or have been at war with, people who live on the other side of the world, but all in all just people. Mothers, fathers, grandparents,sisters, brothers, aunts and uncles, cousins,sons and daughters. We are all one of these things. We have all been born to a mother and father to exist on this earth. We all have something in common because we live. Race, religion, politics, whatever people think separate us from one another cannot separate us from the fact that we are all the same living, breathing beings. People in this world have united because they feel our pain, and that is a beautiful thing. 

In the wake of an unimaginable tragedy where the "bad" in one person took 26 lives the "good" in all of mankind has triumphed. There is good in this world and it WILL overcome evil!  All people can do in a circumstance that is unchangeable is react....that is the only real power we have and the response from the world has been amazing. These amazing families that have lost loved ones stand strong....even offering up compassion for the persons family that did this! I

Ghandi said, "The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong" I have never experienced such strength before. These families have lost so much and are staying strong. Being supported by all mankind. I am not a religious person, but, god would be proud.

So in the wake of madness the world has shined. Newtown and sandy hook have shined and have showed the world what strength and compassion really is. I am proud to live in such an amazing town.

If you would like to donate to the families of Newtown please visit
https://www.everribbon.com/ribbon/view/10076

Defining moments

I know its been awhile and soooooo much has happened in my life. To give you the cliffs notes version, I am now divorced and I am renting a small house not far from my former, much larger house. (I am pointing out the house size for a reason.) I have been working on my marriage for years but it takes two. In my case, when I was working on things, he was not interested. Now, 3 years later, he wants to work on things. I’m over it. You can only forgive someone so many times before you’ve had enough. I’ve been mad at myself for not leaving sooner but I left, non-the-less, and I’m proud of me!
Through this process, I was very scared. I am a licensed massage therapist but have been a stay at home mom for the last five years. My ex-husband took care of the money and I did the rest. So, without him, I didn’t know what I was going to do or how I was going to support myself and two children. Luckily, the state I live in realizes that could be an issue, so for now, I can get my act together and figure out my plan of attack!
I always wanted a nice house, who doesn’t, I didn’t want to worry about money, I always have, and I wanted to be able to stay home with my children. Sometimes when you get what you want, you realize it’s not all its cracked up to be.
I had the nice house, didn’t have to worry about money, and was able to stay home and raise my children. The thing was, I was lonely. The worst feeling in the world is being married to someone and feeling more lonely when they are around than when they are gone. Having everything and missing the times that you had nothing. I was raised in a small house and I just was never comfortable in the big one. I didn’t decorate, the walls were bare. It just reflected the emptiness I felt inside. I would rather have nothing and be happy than have everything and be miserable.
I was still nervous of making that move. Leaving the life I had for the unknown. But, in the midst of fear and anxiety, wondering who would help me, who is going to take care of me....I took care of myself! I was finishing putting my sons bed together and realized what I had done and what I am capable of. I took apart a fireplace, two really heavy wooden beds, moved all of it by myself, then put it all back together. So yes, my life has changed, it has been torn apart, but I am putting it all back together. I don’t need anyone to take care of me. I am very capable of doing it on my own. I don’t have the luxury of paying people to do things for me anymore. But I like that. I was so nervous about moving to a smaller house and how my kids would react, but it feels more like a home here than the big house ever did. I am finding myself in this process and appreciating my children and watching how they are handling all of this change. They are phenomenal! For example....
I didn’t have beds for them for the first week. I brought over their mattresses and had to put them on the floor....they were so excited! When they had nothing in their rooms, my daughter got all of her clothes and put them away in her closet and then did the same for her brother. She didn’t care that she had nothing, she was just excited to be here in her new home with her brother and I. I brought very few toys from the rooms of toys they are used to and they said they like it better. That they have to many toys and its a lot easier to clean up now.
Kids really don’t require a lot of things....just a lot of love and that is one thing I am overflowing with! I am so proud of them and of myself. This journey was much needed and I am seeing myself in a much brighter light. I used to get down on myself and feel worthless and now....I’m coming into my own and its the best feeling in the world!
I just wanted to share this incase anyone needs some inspiration. I know that sometimes things can look scary but once you take that plunge it could be the best thing you’ve ever done. So don’t stay in a situation that makes you miserable just because its comfortable....you never know what you could be missing!

The Green Monster

Its one of those mornings. I wake up at 8:30 and my daughter has to be to pre-school at 9. So the mad dash to get to school begins. I am dressed in half of what I slept in while I dig for anything for my kids to wear. Cutsie little outfits and pigtails are out and anything clean is what we’re working with. 
“Here kids, eat a muffin”, I say as I yank off their jammies and pull on their clothes. “Go potty, get shoes, we can do this!”
 We haul ass downstairs to the garage and pile in the car. Luckily I remember to open the garage this time and don’t back into the door.... again! I drive to the top of my driveway and feel off. I see that all of my neighbors have put out their recycling for tomorrow mornings pick-up and I still haven’t removed my garbage pail from the top of the driveway. Really?! Sometimes I am annoyed that my neighbors are so on top of things while I am rushing to get my kids to school on time. Yep, I’m that neighbor. Baseball cap, running shorts and a t-shirt, garbage still taunting everyone as they are forced to drive by my house, its the first one on our cul-de-sac. I wonder if they take bets on when I’m going to bring it back in. I would. 
Just one of those days, dreary and muggy, not my favorite combo. It is what it is. I’m up, made it to school on time and I’m going to get motivated and clean this house! Maybe I’ll wait on the garbage for now and let it sit and be the eye sore of the neighborhood. Ah, lone, ugly, oversized green garbage container... make mama proud! 


Hope your day is full of beauty!

Hope your day is full of beauty!

Buy a Baby?!

Just a little story I thought I’d share before I
A.- Forget it and
B.- so I can post SOMETHING on my lost and lonely blog!

I’m so tired by the end of the soccer, dance, preschool, adventure play, Christmas show rehearsal, house cleaning, food cooking, coupon clipping, grocery shopping, all around crazy filled day, all I want to do is nothing! To even think of a clever thought has certainly been out of my grasp lately. If anyone reads this, thank you. I still think of you often, I just lack anything worthy of sharing. Storytelling seems to be reserved for my 3 and 4 year old while I zone out on what  I’m actually reading to them and think of what has to be done when they are finally asleep! Love how that brain seems to just work on autopilot sometimes! So without any further ado, my story...


 The other day, my 4 year old daughter comes over to me and asks, “mom, when am I gonna be big? I really want to be a grown up, so when, mom?”

So I’m wondering why on earth any child would want to be a grown up. Well, I guess, since they don’t know any better. I remember wanting the same thing when I was her age. Ugh...If only I knew.

So I ask her, “Why do you want to be a grown up?”

To which she replies, “So I can buy my own baby. Not a pretend one mom, a real baby that I can take care of. So can we buy one pleeeeeease?”

Hahahahahaha, I wish it was that easy. 2 kids, 15 months apart, one girl 4 and one boy 3....I’m good....we wont be “buying” anymore babies!

So I proceed to tell her that mommy has to grow a baby in her belly and it takes a long, long time. Then I said that if I had another baby, I wouldn’t have a lot of time for her or her brother.

 “So when you ask for things like a drink or a treat mommy might be to busy to help you, because babies are a lot of work.” Obviously I am trying to squash the “baby” thing asap. She’s got all the answers though.

“Well mom, I can make my own peanut butter and jelly AND I can reach the salami so its no big deal, I can do things myself.”

Ha, well that's that then...we’ve got pb and j and salami so all is good....lets bring on the baby.... Don’t think so.

Then I say, “ well at night when you are trying to sleep, the baby might wake you up, they are very loud.”

“Thats ok mom, if the baby wakes me up I’ll just tell you and daddy and go back to sleep.”

Yeah, that's great..and exactly why Mommy's not “buying” anymore babies.
Super cute though how kids rationalize things.

I changed the subject and that was that. Love the attention span of a 4 year old. Yes it does come in handy sometimes. I have a cute story about my son too, but I’ll save that for another day.

I hope you are all well!!!

Coupons? Me? Who Knew!

So I have been couponing....kind of. I always use coupons and I might start trying to take it to the next level. Not quite extreme couponing, but I just found a deal for that magazine “all you” that always has a ton of coupons. It ends up costing only $19.00 for a 2 year subscription. That’s what I like to see! Here is the link in case any of you are interested. https://www.saveology.com/shares/609330 You buy a voucher for $15 that is worth $30. Then they send you an activation e-mail the next day. So you can order your magazine filled with delicious coupons. Not sure why I refer to everything as a food item.

I have been trying to find ways to get more coupons, like going to gas stations and asking for their leftover papers. Its kind of embarrassing though. I haven’t resorted to going through the trash....not going to happen. I think I will just have as many papers as I can delivered to our house and then maybe buy a few more papers Sunday morning.

Ha, who knew I would be all organized and stuff! So not me! Its a work in progress. I also just bought one of those BBB books... Busy Body Books. I have yet to fill it out. Its to big to fit in my purse so that's annoying. I like it though. Maybe I just need a bigger purse!  If you want a BBB I suggest buying it from amazon. If you need anything else from the site you can do the super saver shipping. I always order on amazon so it worked for me. I got my BBB for $11 something.

Woah, gotta go....you know, its 10:30 and if I don't shower now, its NOT gonna happen. Hope all is well...I wish you all lots of love and happiness!

A review to WINE about

Yes all, I have been MIA for quite sometime. I like to say I have been a blog slacker. With all of the new school and activity changes I am just trying to catch up, keep the house in order and remember to feed my family...at least 2 meals a day! I have started to fall into the flow of it all so I thought I would take a minute to say HELLO and I miss you! I love my blogger friends and I’m sorry for not keeping up with it.

I hear kids coming so I don’t know how much time I’ll have. Ooooh, I did want to mention my trip with my husband to the Finger Lakes in NY. It was actually the first place we ever went together, so it has some meaning for us. Oh, and it’s packed with wineries. We have gone there about 6 times....we try to stock up our wine every six months if we can get away for the weekend....so we know the places we like and the ones we really don’t like. We always stay at the Belhurst Castle, in the Vinifera Inn...its the new section. We don't like Inn feel, but if you do than the castle might be a good choice for you. Its all connected, just depends on your style.

This past trip, we finally, finally, got a limo. It was our anniversary and my husbands birthday. We always talk about getting one but it is really expensive. I found a place, affordable limousine, which is just that. It was half the price of all the other companies. The woman, Amy, that I dealt with was super nice. The downside, I guess, was that the limo was older. Not like run down old, just not brand new. We couldn’t believe we had the whole thing to ourselves! It made no difference to us, it was perfect. A huge limo, privacy, no worries about DWI’s and we could drink in the limo. Not that we needed to. After 2 wineries we both had a nice buzz going.

A little disappointing though, one of our favorite places turned out to be SO RUDE! The Prejean Winery is usually where we buy most of our Gewurztraminer . We were in the middle of a tasting and one of the workers asked the crowd who had the limo. We said it was ours and she asked where it was from. I told her and asked if there was a problem as I watched her scribble down the name on a tiny piece of paper. She then told us that our limo driver was rude and she didn’t like how she spoke to her. I asked what happened and was told that our driver had come in to use the bathroom and to get us a box for our wine. The rude part, apparently, was that the Prejean worker said they didn’t have a lot of boxes and wondered what she needed it for. Our driver replied with “its for my clients, did you think I was just a stranger off the street?” I guess what our driver said was rude. Then the worker, as she is telling the crowd of people the story about our  limo driver, said our driver looked strange and with the kind of people that come in to their winery, you just never know.

Really, because I thought the worker was extremely rude! She straight up made fun of our driver and the way she looked, oh yes, our driver was a female by the way, and then talked about it in front of a huge crowd of people. I’m sorry but there is a way to handle things and we spend ALOT of money in that place. NO MORE. I didn’t even think what she said was rude anyway. My husband told the woman that she should have taken us aside and asked us about the situation privately and that it wasn’t our driver who appeared to be rude. She just brushed us off and said yeah well, whatever. Totally ruining our tasting experience. We left and bought nothing. We are all about the people. If you have rude inconsiderate people working for you, what is that going to say about your business. We will never return to that winery.

On a lighter note,Lakewood Vineyards is by far our very favorite winery, and it was the first winery my husband and I ever went to. The people are amazing and fun and their wine never disappoints. They make you feel like family from the moment you walk in until the moment you walk out. Their port, if you like port, is just perfect. Its not to strong, but still has some kick. Its not our very favorite, but its close. We usually buy at least 4 bottles. The price is reasonable and its perfect to sip on a brisk fall night or in the middle of the winter in front of the fire. We make sure we have enough to last until the spring. Our favorite port is a little pricey so if we are going with price and flavor, Lakewood would have to be the best.

Wow, sorry for the long winded blog/review but I’ll throw out some of our other favorites in another post. Hey, who doesn’t love a good bottle of wine! You can have it shipped too!

Bottoms up!

Ranting about facebook for no good reason

Oh my sweet blog readers....if there are any of you still out there.....it has been a bit crazy over the past couple weeks. As soon as I started to write again, we got hit with hurricane Irene leaving us without power for 6 days. Yes, six days. I’m sure there were a lot of people that were left without homes, so I have to say it wasn’t the worst thing in the world, but did leave me computer-less. It also seems that I am the one person left in the United States that does not have e-mail on their phone.

Damn you technology, I am always the last to get it. I don’t care, I get things when I feel I need them, not just cause it’s the thing to do. I have to tell ya though, lately, I NEED it! With all of these activities for the kids and cancellations, birthday parties, doctor appointments, dentist appointments, you see where I’m going with this, I seriously NEED to be plugged in.

I’m not into facebook and twitter, I do have a facebook account that I check and update randomly so I can let my few friends see how AWESOME my life is. I mean my life on facebook can be whatever I want it to be...cant it. So.... yes all....my life is perfect and my family is perfect and I only post perfect pictures....your welcome.

Ah, but I know the truth. I get why people are addicted to facebook. You can appear to be whoever you want to be and have no one in your face to argue with you or call you out on your shit. You can just sit back and live your internet existence and never go out into the REAL world and experience anything. I’m sorry, but I would rather live with my imperfections and actually LIVE than be addicted to facebook.

 Seriously, they had a show about people addicted to facebook. WTF! They have a whole new disorder called F.A.D http://socialtimes.com/facebook-addiction-disorder-the-6-symptoms-of-f-a-d_b60403
 Um...is this a joke? I’m really not sure. Ok, if it’s on CNN it has to be real! http://articles.cnn.com/2009-04-23/health/ep.facebook.addict_1_facebook-page-facebook-world-social-networking?_s=PM:HEALTH_
They have a facebook addiction disorder page ON FACEBOOK! Holy crap batman! I seriously don’t even know what to say. Well if you need help with your STUPID addiction.....Stop READING ABOUT OTHER PEOPLES LIVES AND GO LIVE YOUR OWN....or....go to this site....I cant believe they even have one...  http://www.wikihow.com/Defeat-a-Facebook-Addiction

 Anyway......

I know that its good for buisness and reconnecting with friends, but I just don’t know about the technical world today. I mean, people have relationships through text and e-mail. What is it, sexting? Wow, that would just not do it for me. What happened to human connection? I seriously hope that my children don’t get sucked into the “matrix” if you will. I guess they will have to at some level. I just want them to always connect on a face to face level with people, not with a machine.

Wow, I just did a little ranting and raving didn’t I. I apologize. Apparently I have some pent up issues that I’ll have to figure out when I have some free time. Until then, I hope to pleasure you with my words....it’s not sexting! More like....bloggerplay. Yeah, don’t mind me...I would erase the last 2 sentences but I’m to tired and someone's gonna like it. Oh hey, guess where I'm going to post my blog....

I'm Baaaaaaack!

Ok, it has been awhile. Lucky for me, I have been busy! I went back to my hometown recently, not my favorite place in the world, but I got to visit my brother and sisters and that was AWESOME! They are a lot younger than me, but are now teenagers, so it’s kinda crazy. They aren’t babies anymore! Anyway, I got to sing with my brothers band, who are amazing by the way! I don’t share a lot of info about my personal life on here, names, places things like that, but I’m sharing this!    http://www.facebook.com/burnthecharts

Please check them out. I’m going to be singing on one of their songs when their next cd comes out and it was amazing! I had so much fun recording with them. They are all crazy talented and I’m sure you will hear about them soon!

Besides all that excitement, my little man is potty training. Its hilarious because he will only go on the “big” potty and although he doesn’t have to wipe when he pees, he unravels the toilet paper and throws some in anyway. It’s super cute! He does a little pee pee on the potty song and dance...I made it up to get him excited and it just kind of stuck with him. Almost all the way, still working on number 2...no real way to say that nicely.

I can’t believe school is going to start soon. I’m a room mother for my daughters class and I have a meeting to goto tomorrow evening. Crazy how the summer goes by so fast! Next year, my daughter will be starting kindergarten! It’s so surreal. People always told me that it would go by before you know it and it sure does! My babies aren’t babies anymore! Oh well. They will always be MY babies.

Before I get all choked up, I’m gonna get going. So much to clean. My husband kept the house so nice while I was gone! I walked in and everything was spotless...until I brought in all of our crap and ruined it. So, I’m off...hopefully I will not neglect my blog any further. Their are bound to be some random acts of crazy in the near future...so until then, enjoy whats left of the summer!

Did that old man just brake check me?! Yep!

Ok, so I’m trying to be in my “happy place” and well, today had a few irritating moments. I thought I would share them. Monday, Wednesday and Friday, I drop my daughter off at dance camp and then I go to the gym, rush home to shower and bring my son to swim lessons. Swim ends at 12 and I pick my daughter up between 12:15 and 12:30. I am notoriously early, so when I show up on time, my daughter thinks I’m late. Love that.

 So today....

I dropped off my daughter and was off to the gym. I jumped on a tread mill, ran 1 mile them switched to the swinging machine I love so much. I ended at 10:30 so I would have time to shower. When we got to the car I remembered that my son needed swim diapers. Ugh...no store was that close, so I ran to CVS where I got raped on diapers! $10.99 for 11 swim diapers! Damn you CVS and your price gouging. I had no time to quibble over the issue so I put on my big girl panties and sucked it up!

Almost home and I get stuck behind a shiny topaz Ford contour, clearly being operated by an old man. Speed limit is 35 grandpa, lets get on that gas and see if that baby can get over 20MPH. Yes, I was on his ass, but he was going so slow, how could I not be unless I stopped in the middle of the road! So what does this old geezer do, he brake checks me. Doesn’t affect me since we are already going at a snails pace. But really, did I just get brake checked by grandpa? Yep...Then he speeds up and comes to a halt in the middle of the road. I stop and wait to make sure its not a heart attack he is having and then he continues. Still not reaching over 20MPH he stops again. Now I’m annoyed and in a hurry! I lay on my horn and finally pass him.


So now, he speeds up on my ass. Come on old timer...I have my son in the car and my SUV could swallow your tiny sedan in a second. Lets stick to games more appropriate for your age group...which I can assure you, certainly do NOT involve cars. I wanted so badly to slam on my breaks so this guy would smash into the ass end of my car and I could cash in. No, I am better than that. He finally turned and I got home just in time to change and get the hell out of the house. No shower.

Boy, just annoying. So far the rest of the day is going much better. I wasn’t exposed by my son in swim class, so that’s a plus. I have to get my coupons together and make a shopping list. Lets see how this shopping trip goes and how many people we can meet in one day. My kids are so friendly, which makes everyone we encounter super nice. I like it.

If our trip goes awry, you’ll be the first to know!

Punch your mouth in it's face!

Recently, I was at a gas station, paying way to much for gas and I saw an advertisement on the gas pump. I laughed my ass off! It was for ruffles potato chips. Apparently, they have a new flavor that is so spicy, you”ll want to punch your mouth in the face.

How clever. Then I thought to myself, well, I don’t like spicy food, I just can’t handle it, but my mouth could sure use a good punch in it’s face. I mean, where would your mouths face be anyway. My mouth is on my face, clearly, but thinking of my actual mouth having a face and being punched in it left me thinking.

Is it inside my mouth? Since the flavor of a super spicy chip would certainly affect my insides, that could be a good guess. Maybe my mouth’s face is that little hangie ball thing in the back of my throat. If that’s it and I get punched in it, watch out people, cause I’m gonna puke all over you! Really, I just thought it was a clever ad and I wanted to share that and my warped thinking with you. Give you a little laugh!

On that note, my weekend was a little crazy, as crazy weekends go. One of those, birthday, anniversary, birthday weekends. None of them were mine, sadly, but man, they just come in droves during the summer. We drove 1.5 hours...each way... every day this weekend. We should have just stayed in my crap hometown, but honestly, I would rather drive the 3 hours to avoid being in that town for any longer than necessary!

I feel bad bashing where I grew up, but man...it’s so bad! Even the people that still live there agree with me. They can’t wait to get out! Whew, so happy that I did. Far enough away but still close enough to visit when we have to, without staying over.

I have to go back to my amazing summer filled with dance camp drop offs and pick ups and swim lessons in a way to cold pool that yes, I have to go in since my son is just under 3. Come on red cross...it’s just 2 months. What’s even better is that my son is in the pinching and hitting phase and I’m waiting for him to grab my bathing suit right off and give those lifeguards a show. He would laugh and I would turn a very bright shade of red. I can’t make that bathing suit any tighter and it almost happened yesterday. I’ll keep you “abreast” of my swim lesson mishaps.

Until next time! Hope your summer is going well!

Weekend Shenanigans

I think my husband saw what a lousy week I was having and decided to end it with a BANG! My mom was over, and he randomly texted me, asking me if she would watch the kids so he could take me to Mohegan Sun. If you don’t know, it’s a huge casino filled with amazing restaurants and shops.

I was so excited! My mother said she would stay and off we went to a night filled with amazing food, gambling and drinks! He always knows just what I need and that was it. We had a kick ass dinner at an Italian restaurant with waterfalls flowing down the walls. My husband took to seat facing the people so I could enjoy the view. He is so thoughtful. The food was perfect and the company of my husband was even better.

The downside was that there was a Rhianna concert that night. No big deal...not our thing...but it made for an interesting night of people watching. I actually saw a woman's ass cheeks jiggling out of her shorts. I wanted to tell her but I figured she already knew, which made it even worse.

“Cover that shit up woman! No one needs to see your uncensored ass. You should wear a sign that says look at your own risk! Ass cheeks could be hazardous to your health and well being.”

Besides the plethora of underage girls trying to look like porn stars, we had a great time.  Good job being a teen idol Rhianna! Keep up the good work!

Unfortunately, we had to get back to the kids, no overnights. So, yes I would have loved to stay longer, I just knew I would be getting up around 6am with my 2 little ones. Actually, my husband ended up letting me sleep.... love him!

The weekend and so far this week have been crazy....good crazy! I have just been enjoying my family. They are all so good to me and I feel so lucky to have them!

Hope your all enjoying the summer...I’ll try to blog whenever I’m not out being AWESOME!

A Beautiful Day

This was my week of sad. I am happy to say that I have ended it short. Yesterday ended up being a great day. It’s hard when your feeling lost and all alone. I look to other people to fill the void for me, but really, I’m the only one that can do it.

I’m just putting it out there. I’m sure I’m not the only person out there that feels this way. Its a long and narrow road. One that’s difficult to travel on and pretty scary. I know if I just stay on the path, I’ll be fine. Hopefully, it will open up and lead to something amazing.

So, I’ve been able to really appreciate my children lately. I realized that they will not be this little and cute for much longer and I’m lucky enough to be with them every day. My son will break out into song randomly and start dancing to whatever music is available. Its freaking adorable! My daughter is very matter of fact about everything and usually ends up laughing at random nothings.

“Knock knock,”

“Whos there?”

“Ice cream, hahahahahahahahahahaha”

Its just funny because it makes no sense and its completely out of nowhere.

So, for now, I’m in a happy place. It’s good to be sad every once in awhile. It was nice to just feel it for once instead of pushing it away. It didn’t create any of those stomach knotting feelings. You know, when you can’t eat and you always feel like your going to throw up. Yeah, none of that, so I must be making progress.

I’m so thankful to have such a wonderful family. Without them, this journey would be a lot tougher. So, thank you.

I wish you all a beautiful day!

Just this-Take it all

At a loss.....So here is my song for the day.

Didn't I give it all?

Tried my best

Gave you everything I had

Everything and no less

Didn't I do it right

Did I let you down

Maybe you got too used to

 having me around

Still how can you walk away

From all my tears.

It's gonna be an empty road

Without me right here

But go on and take it

Take it all with you

Don't look back

At this crumbling fool

Just take it all

With my love

Take it all

With my love

Maybe I should leave

To help you see

Nothing is better than this

And this is everything we need

So is it over?

Is this really it?

 you've given up so easily?

I thought you loved me more than this

I would change if I must

Slow it down and bring it home

I will adjust.

Oh if only, if only you knew

Everything I do

Is for you

Fireworks

I seriously got my ass kicked yesterday! After a day of despair for no particular reason, immersed in sadness, I was faced with even more hurt that night. Whew, glad that day is over. I learned a lot though. I had some pretty shitty feelings to deal with but I owned them! I leaned into them and my head was clear to deal with my evening slap in the face.

I had some very serious feelings and I lead with my heart. I didn’t get to lost in emotion and I knew exactly how I felt. And for once, I wasn’t afraid. My feelings, no matter what they are, are valid and ok.

I didn’t know that before. I usually just lead with my tears and say whatever I think will make the situation better. I still had tears but I let them come when I was ready. I felt so deeply yesterday, even though it was mostly hurt, today I feel much better. Knowing that I owned my emotion and didn’t feel bad about myself was a step in the right direction. I was very proud of myself yesterday, for the first time in a long time.

I always say, “it is what it is” and it really is that simple. I have a new song for the day. Its not my normal style. When it comes to music, I like it all! I hope you enjoy it!

Music for today

This is a song I found today...just wanted to pass it along.

Lost and Lonely

Just feeling really down and lonely today. I’m not sure what happens but it seems like on dreary days like today, I just lack any motivation to do anything. My head is pounding and my face is hot. I did a lot this morning, brought my daughter to camp. Fought with my 2 year old as I begged him to sit in our jogging stroller so I could enjoy an outside workout. Nothing is enjoyable with a screaming toddler in tow. So, then we tried the gym. He refused to let me put him down but after walking with him and getting him to settle down, I was able to do 35mins of cardio and some chest and biceps. Maybe thats why I’m so lethargic, I just don’t know.

Did you ever just feel alone? Lonely, I guess is what it is. Surrounded by two beautiful children and 2 great dogs, why do I feel this way. It seems like when I am on a role and super motivated to find myself and write a book about all of my experiences I get a smack in the face. In one of my favorite books by Louise Hay she says that usually in the middle of trying to find happiness and love you’ll get pushed down over and over. Well, I feel it.

How do I get out of this funk. I know, music does it for me. Adele, Someone Like You is my choice today, thanks to Not so silent Mommy. I have decided to embrace this dark feeling with an array of sad love songs. I have been so hurt. I’m not going to push it away today. You have to be down before you can get back up again. Today is that day for me. I’m going to feel the pain and hurt and appreciate the times when I am happy. Just writing this is making me feel better.

I will have compassion for myself today and know that whatever I'm feeling is ok. I will not torture myself any longer. I allow myself to have feelings, good or bad, and I will feel them wholeheartedly.

So thank you to all that will read this melancholy piece that I have cooked up. I really want all of you to come on this journey with me, even when I am not so chipper and motivated. These are my true feelings and I thank you for allowing me to share them with you.

Feature of the week

My feature this week is Brene Browns Blog. http://www.ordinarycourage.com/ I am reading her book, The Gifts of Imperfection, and it has inspired me so much that I have finally found my true calling in life.

I encourage all of you to check out her site, blog, books ect. She is a gift and I am so glad that I was introduced to her work. I hope you enjoy her too! Have a great weekend!

The Perfection Project

So, just after I wrote my last entry, “soul searching” I realized that I was running late to a new class I was taking at the gym. It was outside since the usual turf was being occupied by this years summer soccer camp. I made it just in time.

While I was covered in sweat and panting, the wind seemed to blow at just the right times. It lifted my matted hair gently off of my face and in a moment where I was struggling to do just one more anything, I felt luxurious and at peace. I noticed the trees and how they just let the wind take them in any direction. They were always vulnerable to what mother nature had to offer and they just swayed with it. They danced to the rhythm of the seasons. At this moment, their leaves were flipped up exposing their lighter side of green. Which in my experience means a storm is coming. It really felt like the calm before the storm.

While in this state of discovery and appreciation, I started thinking about perfection. I realized that most things of value are one of a kind. The less their is of something the more valuable it becomes. The Mona Lisa stuck out to me for some reason. A one of a kind, replicated by many, piece of art that may perhaps be to valuable to put a price tag on. It is the only one of its kind. Some people love it, others probably think its ugly.

By our typical standards of today, she’s not that attractive. To some, she may be a goddess. My point is, she, like the painting is one of a kind. The original version cannot be replicated. It is a priceless piece of art and so are you.

Every imperfection, freckle, different colored eye, even your jiggle in the middle, is priceless. It cannot be replicated. It is who you are and what makes you valuable. You cannot be bought by anyone. Your worth is immeasurable. You are a gift to anyone you chose to share your life with. Your spouse,  your children, your friends and family. You are a treasure and no one could take your place. No one is just like you. For you are one of a kind. So that, like an exquisite work of art is priceless. You should know that.

The Project

I dare you to find perfection in something you think is imperfect. I double dare you! As you do whatever it is you do today, look at the world. Notice things in your world that you usually judge or hate about your world. It could be anything.

Do you or have you had that one cup that wasn’t dishwasher safe but  you don’t read directions so you put it in anyway. It then melted slightly and took on a strange shape that still resembled a cup, just a little different, more unique. I bet it was your favorite cup. You couldn’t buy another one. Its imperfection was perfect for you. In fact, it was your favorite because it was different. That happens a lot doesn’t it? With a lot of things, not just cups.

So why do we all strive to be perfect? What does perfection mean to you?

Just think about it and open your eyes.

Here are a few examples of what I mean....

Your old couch smells but you can’t afford a new one so it pisses you off that you have to sit on it and look at it every day. Now look at the couch and remember when you first bought it. How much you loved it and how nice it looked the first time you put it in your living room. How many memories have been made on that couch. The stain from one of your kids or your self that always reminds you of how much fun you had the day you made it.

OR

Look at yourself and that jigglie belie that you keep meaning to get rid of. Touch it, wiggle it, appreciate it. When your ready to change it you will, but for now love it and realize you wouldn’t be you without it. I’m sure your the only one that really has a problem with it anyway so just let it go. Love yourself and all of your imperfections. Realize that’s what makes you valuable. That’s what makes you priceless.

Now go on out there and look at the world. Let me know what you see. I bet you’ll be pleasantly surprised.

Welcome to the beginning of a perfectly imperfect day!

Soul searching

I have decided to take my blog in a different direction, at least for now, while I am doing a little “soul searching”. I would like to take all of you on this journey with me. Perhaps it will lead you to your own journey.

I so often feel like I am not good enough, a “Waynes World” recap of “I’m not worthy, I’m not worthy” is ringing in my head. I also realized that I am not the only person in the world experiencing this emotion. This may be the reason I am sharing it with all of you. I have just started reading a book The Gifts of Imperfection by Brene Brown after reading countless other self help, self love, books. I have noticed that I certainly do not lack the courage to say what is on my mind and exactly how I feel. However, I do harbor  the feeling  of “I’m not good enough” and often put up the “whatever” front or I attack the person that makes me feel vulnerable and then I cry.

I’ve noticed, so far, that I am lacking in compassion and always trying to fix people instead of just listening to them. I just say, your great why don’t you try this instead. My ideas are always the best and if you don’t want to take my advice then forget it. Or I go in to a “one up” story about an experience I’ve had that was way worse, thinking that will make you feel better about what you have just gone through. Apparently, that doesn’t work. If you are reading this and I have done that to you, I’m sorry.

Listening to people is key. All someone needs sometimes is just to be heard. They don’t want to be fixed or helped or one-uped. They just need a shoulder to cry on or a listening ear. Whatever shame or guilt you are in the middle of, just telling someone about it suddenly takes it away, makes it better, than just holding it all in.

I am lucky enough to have several people to talk to about everything and anything, I hope you do to. If you don’t, feel free to e-mail me or leave an anonymous comment. I promise, you will feel at least a little bit better just getting it out there. Then to realize you’re not the only person who feels this way is gold! Really, any emotion you have when you are feeling alone and discouraged is being felt by millions of other people. Why not just get it out there instead of letting it fester inside of you. Clean out the guilt and shame and make room for love and happiness. Hey, it’s worth a try.

It’s ok if your not perfect. In fact, people’s ideas of perfect are so different, who even knows what perfect is anymore.
Here is the definition of perfect: Make (something) completely free from faults or defects, or as close to such a condition as possible:
a.Being entirely without fault or defect: flawless “a perfect diamond”
satisfying all requirements: accurate
faithfully reproducing the original; specifically: letter perfect. Here is the link, http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/perfect

Personally I don’t like “perfect”. To me it seems to lack any personality or character. Let’s just say to me perfect would be robotic and unreal. Not really my style. I have my own set of “perfect”. Which makes me think of my husband. I have had so many past boyfriends that would have little “quirks” if you, will that drove me nuts. The way they pronounced a certain word... you say tomato I say tomAto....or a habit I couldn’t stand like drinking countless amounts of diet pepsi or just wearing the wrong clothes. Yes, I’d say I’m shallow or was just really not happy in a relationship so I picked out ridiculous things to dislike for a way out.

Now, back to my husband, the point of this “perfect” notion. He has flaws and little characteristics that would, in the past, drive me nuts. Instead, they are some of the things that I love most about him. Things I would never want to change. He knows what they are and I think everyone has their own imperfections. But to the right person, someone that truly loves you, those imperfections are what draws you closer. To the people that matter, those are the things that just make you who you are. What I’m trying to say is my husband isn’t perfect, if he was I wouldn’t be married to him I’d be married to a robot. But he is perfect to me. He is my kind of perfection. Which seems to mean accepting a person for who they are and loving every part of them no matter what. Your husband, sister, brother, best friend, anyone that truly matters to you. No one is the definition of perfect, but we are all perfect in our own unique ways.

So I hope I haven’t confused you to much, I just started this “soul search” and I hope it inspires you to read it as much as it inspires me to write it.

Don't forget me!

I apologize for being a little “off” if you will. I have been enjoying my summer and really at a lack of what to write. I don’t seem to find the time to come up with my clever this and that's. Between the gym, pool, playtime with the kids and trying to keep my house somewhat presentable, all I want to do at the end of the night is curl up and have a drink!

I hope you are all enjoying your summer as much as I am. I do have some silly stories, but I’m still trying to find the time and motivation to actually write them down. The kids get seriously annoyed and whiny when I am on the computer so my ability to concentrate and create anything that is actually blog worthy is just not there. Hopefully sooner than later I will come up with something amazing....leave you hanging at the edge of your seats. Until then...I haven’t forgotten about you all! Please don’t forget about me!