Thursday, October 25, 2012

Defining moments

I know its been awhile and soooooo much has happened in my life. To give you the cliffs notes version, I am now divorced and I am renting a small house not far from my former, much larger house. (I am pointing out the house size for a reason.) I have been working on my marriage for years but it takes two. In my case, when I was working on things, he was not interested. Now, 3 years later, he wants to work on things. I’m over it. You can only forgive someone so many times before you’ve had enough. I’ve been mad at myself for not leaving sooner but I left, non-the-less, and I’m proud of me!
Through this process, I was very scared. I am a licensed massage therapist but have been a stay at home mom for the last five years. My ex-husband took care of the money and I did the rest. So, without him, I didn’t know what I was going to do or how I was going to support myself and two children. Luckily, the state I live in realizes that could be an issue, so for now, I can get my act together and figure out my plan of attack!
I always wanted a nice house, who doesn’t, I didn’t want to worry about money, I always have, and I wanted to be able to stay home with my children. Sometimes when you get what you want, you realize it’s not all its cracked up to be.
I had the nice house, didn’t have to worry about money, and was able to stay home and raise my children. The thing was, I was lonely. The worst feeling in the world is being married to someone and feeling more lonely when they are around than when they are gone. Having everything and missing the times that you had nothing. I was raised in a small house and I just was never comfortable in the big one. I didn’t decorate, the walls were bare. It just reflected the emptiness I felt inside. I would rather have nothing and be happy than have everything and be miserable.
I was still nervous of making that move. Leaving the life I had for the unknown. But, in the midst of fear and anxiety, wondering who would help me, who is going to take care of me....I took care of myself! I was finishing putting my sons bed together and realized what I had done and what I am capable of. I took apart a fireplace, two really heavy wooden beds, moved all of it by myself, then put it all back together. So yes, my life has changed, it has been torn apart, but I am putting it all back together. I don’t need anyone to take care of me. I am very capable of doing it on my own. I don’t have the luxury of paying people to do things for me anymore. But I like that. I was so nervous about moving to a smaller house and how my kids would react, but it feels more like a home here than the big house ever did. I am finding myself in this process and appreciating my children and watching how they are handling all of this change. They are phenomenal! For example....
I didn’t have beds for them for the first week. I brought over their mattresses and had to put them on the floor....they were so excited! When they had nothing in their rooms, my daughter got all of her clothes and put them away in her closet and then did the same for her brother. She didn’t care that she had nothing, she was just excited to be here in her new home with her brother and I. I brought very few toys from the rooms of toys they are used to and they said they like it better. That they have to many toys and its a lot easier to clean up now.
Kids really don’t require a lot of things....just a lot of love and that is one thing I am overflowing with! I am so proud of them and of myself. This journey was much needed and I am seeing myself in a much brighter light. I used to get down on myself and feel worthless and now....I’m coming into my own and its the best feeling in the world!
I just wanted to share this incase anyone needs some inspiration. I know that sometimes things can look scary but once you take that plunge it could be the best thing you’ve ever done. So don’t stay in a situation that makes you miserable just because its never know what you could be missing!

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