Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Weekend Shenanigans

I think my husband saw what a lousy week I was having and decided to end it with a BANG! My mom was over, and he randomly texted me, asking me if she would watch the kids so he could take me to Mohegan Sun. If you don’t know, it’s a huge casino filled with amazing restaurants and shops.

I was so excited! My mother said she would stay and off we went to a night filled with amazing food, gambling and drinks! He always knows just what I need and that was it. We had a kick ass dinner at an Italian restaurant with waterfalls flowing down the walls. My husband took to seat facing the people so I could enjoy the view. He is so thoughtful. The food was perfect and the company of my husband was even better.

The downside was that there was a Rhianna concert that night. No big deal...not our thing...but it made for an interesting night of people watching. I actually saw a woman's ass cheeks jiggling out of her shorts. I wanted to tell her but I figured she already knew, which made it even worse.

“Cover that shit up woman! No one needs to see your uncensored ass. You should wear a sign that says look at your own risk! Ass cheeks could be hazardous to your health and well being.”

Besides the plethora of underage girls trying to look like porn stars, we had a great time.  Good job being a teen idol Rhianna! Keep up the good work!

Unfortunately, we had to get back to the kids, no overnights. So, yes I would have loved to stay longer, I just knew I would be getting up around 6am with my 2 little ones. Actually, my husband ended up letting me sleep.... love him!

The weekend and so far this week have been crazy....good crazy! I have just been enjoying my family. They are all so good to me and I feel so lucky to have them!

Hope your all enjoying the summer...I’ll try to blog whenever I’m not out being AWESOME!

Thursday, July 21, 2011

A Beautiful Day

This was my week of sad. I am happy to say that I have ended it short. Yesterday ended up being a great day. It’s hard when your feeling lost and all alone. I look to other people to fill the void for me, but really, I’m the only one that can do it.

I’m just putting it out there. I’m sure I’m not the only person out there that feels this way. Its a long and narrow road. One that’s difficult to travel on and pretty scary. I know if I just stay on the path, I’ll be fine. Hopefully, it will open up and lead to something amazing.

So, I’ve been able to really appreciate my children lately. I realized that they will not be this little and cute for much longer and I’m lucky enough to be with them every day. My son will break out into song randomly and start dancing to whatever music is available. Its freaking adorable! My daughter is very matter of fact about everything and usually ends up laughing at random nothings.

“Knock knock,”

“Whos there?”

“Ice cream, hahahahahahahahahahaha”

Its just funny because it makes no sense and its completely out of nowhere.

So, for now, I’m in a happy place. It’s good to be sad every once in awhile. It was nice to just feel it for once instead of pushing it away. It didn’t create any of those stomach knotting feelings. You know, when you can’t eat and you always feel like your going to throw up. Yeah, none of that, so I must be making progress.

I’m so thankful to have such a wonderful family. Without them, this journey would be a lot tougher. So, thank you.

I wish you all a beautiful day!

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Just this-Take it all

At a loss.....So here is my song for the day.

Didn't I give it all?
Tried my best
Gave you everything I had
Everything and no less
Didn't I do it right
Did I let you down
Maybe you got too used to
 having me around
Still how can you walk away
From all my tears.
It's gonna be an empty road
Without me right here
But go on and take it
Take it all with you
Don't look back
At this crumbling fool
Just take it all
With my love
Take it all
With my love
Maybe I should leave
To help you see
Nothing is better than this
And this is everything we need
So is it over?
Is this really it?
 you've given up so easily?
I thought you loved me more than this
I would change if I must
Slow it down and bring it home
I will adjust.
Oh if only, if only you knew
Everything I do
Is for you

Tuesday, July 19, 2011


I seriously got my ass kicked yesterday! After a day of despair for no particular reason, immersed in sadness, I was faced with even more hurt that night. Whew, glad that day is over. I learned a lot though. I had some pretty shitty feelings to deal with but I owned them! I leaned into them and my head was clear to deal with my evening slap in the face.

I had some very serious feelings and I lead with my heart. I didn’t get to lost in emotion and I knew exactly how I felt. And for once, I wasn’t afraid. My feelings, no matter what they are, are valid and ok.

I didn’t know that before. I usually just lead with my tears and say whatever I think will make the situation better. I still had tears but I let them come when I was ready. I felt so deeply yesterday, even though it was mostly hurt, today I feel much better. Knowing that I owned my emotion and didn’t feel bad about myself was a step in the right direction. I was very proud of myself yesterday, for the first time in a long time.

I always say, “it is what it is” and it really is that simple. I have a new song for the day. Its not my normal style. When it comes to music, I like it all! I hope you enjoy it!

Monday, July 18, 2011

Music for today

This is a song I found today...just wanted to pass it along.

Lost and Lonely

Just feeling really down and lonely today. I’m not sure what happens but it seems like on dreary days like today, I just lack any motivation to do anything. My head is pounding and my face is hot. I did a lot this morning, brought my daughter to camp. Fought with my 2 year old as I begged him to sit in our jogging stroller so I could enjoy an outside workout. Nothing is enjoyable with a screaming toddler in tow. So, then we tried the gym. He refused to let me put him down but after walking with him and getting him to settle down, I was able to do 35mins of cardio and some chest and biceps. Maybe thats why I’m so lethargic, I just don’t know.

Did you ever just feel alone? Lonely, I guess is what it is. Surrounded by two beautiful children and 2 great dogs, why do I feel this way. It seems like when I am on a role and super motivated to find myself and write a book about all of my experiences I get a smack in the face. In one of my favorite books by Louise Hay she says that usually in the middle of trying to find happiness and love you’ll get pushed down over and over. Well, I feel it.

How do I get out of this funk. I know, music does it for me. Adele, Someone Like You is my choice today, thanks to Not so silent Mommy. I have decided to embrace this dark feeling with an array of sad love songs. I have been so hurt. I’m not going to push it away today. You have to be down before you can get back up again. Today is that day for me. I’m going to feel the pain and hurt and appreciate the times when I am happy. Just writing this is making me feel better.

I will have compassion for myself today and know that whatever I'm feeling is ok. I will not torture myself any longer. I allow myself to have feelings, good or bad, and I will feel them wholeheartedly.

So thank you to all that will read this melancholy piece that I have cooked up. I really want all of you to come on this journey with me, even when I am not so chipper and motivated. These are my true feelings and I thank you for allowing me to share them with you.

Saturday, July 16, 2011

Feature of the week

My feature this week is Brene Browns Blog. http://www.ordinarycourage.com/ I am reading her book, The Gifts of Imperfection, and it has inspired me so much that I have finally found my true calling in life.

I encourage all of you to check out her site, blog, books ect. She is a gift and I am so glad that I was introduced to her work. I hope you enjoy her too! Have a great weekend!

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

The Perfection Project

So, just after I wrote my last entry, “soul searching” I realized that I was running late to a new class I was taking at the gym. It was outside since the usual turf was being occupied by this years summer soccer camp. I made it just in time.

While I was covered in sweat and panting, the wind seemed to blow at just the right times. It lifted my matted hair gently off of my face and in a moment where I was struggling to do just one more anything, I felt luxurious and at peace. I noticed the trees and how they just let the wind take them in any direction. They were always vulnerable to what mother nature had to offer and they just swayed with it. They danced to the rhythm of the seasons. At this moment, their leaves were flipped up exposing their lighter side of green. Which in my experience means a storm is coming. It really felt like the calm before the storm.

While in this state of discovery and appreciation, I started thinking about perfection. I realized that most things of value are one of a kind. The less their is of something the more valuable it becomes. The Mona Lisa stuck out to me for some reason. A one of a kind, replicated by many, piece of art that may perhaps be to valuable to put a price tag on. It is the only one of its kind. Some people love it, others probably think its ugly.

By our typical standards of today, she’s not that attractive. To some, she may be a goddess. My point is, she, like the painting is one of a kind. The original version cannot be replicated. It is a priceless piece of art and so are you.

Every imperfection, freckle, different colored eye, even your jiggle in the middle, is priceless. It cannot be replicated. It is who you are and what makes you valuable. You cannot be bought by anyone. Your worth is immeasurable. You are a gift to anyone you chose to share your life with. Your spouse,  your children, your friends and family. You are a treasure and no one could take your place. No one is just like you. For you are one of a kind. So that, like an exquisite work of art is priceless. You should know that.

The Project

I dare you to find perfection in something you think is imperfect. I double dare you! As you do whatever it is you do today, look at the world. Notice things in your world that you usually judge or hate about your world. It could be anything.

Do you or have you had that one cup that wasn’t dishwasher safe but  you don’t read directions so you put it in anyway. It then melted slightly and took on a strange shape that still resembled a cup, just a little different, more unique. I bet it was your favorite cup. You couldn’t buy another one. Its imperfection was perfect for you. In fact, it was your favorite because it was different. That happens a lot doesn’t it? With a lot of things, not just cups.

So why do we all strive to be perfect? What does perfection mean to you?

Just think about it and open your eyes.

Here are a few examples of what I mean....

Your old couch smells but you can’t afford a new one so it pisses you off that you have to sit on it and look at it every day. Now look at the couch and remember when you first bought it. How much you loved it and how nice it looked the first time you put it in your living room. How many memories have been made on that couch. The stain from one of your kids or your self that always reminds you of how much fun you had the day you made it.


Look at yourself and that jigglie belie that you keep meaning to get rid of. Touch it, wiggle it, appreciate it. When your ready to change it you will, but for now love it and realize you wouldn’t be you without it. I’m sure your the only one that really has a problem with it anyway so just let it go. Love yourself and all of your imperfections. Realize that’s what makes you valuable. That’s what makes you priceless.

Now go on out there and look at the world. Let me know what you see. I bet you’ll be pleasantly surprised.

Welcome to the beginning of a perfectly imperfect day!

Soul searching

I have decided to take my blog in a different direction, at least for now, while I am doing a little “soul searching”. I would like to take all of you on this journey with me. Perhaps it will lead you to your own journey.

I so often feel like I am not good enough, a “Waynes World” recap of “I’m not worthy, I’m not worthy” is ringing in my head. I also realized that I am not the only person in the world experiencing this emotion. This may be the reason I am sharing it with all of you. I have just started reading a book The Gifts of Imperfection by Brene Brown after reading countless other self help, self love, books. I have noticed that I certainly do not lack the courage to say what is on my mind and exactly how I feel. However, I do harbor  the feeling  of “I’m not good enough” and often put up the “whatever” front or I attack the person that makes me feel vulnerable and then I cry.

I’ve noticed, so far, that I am lacking in compassion and always trying to fix people instead of just listening to them. I just say, your great why don’t you try this instead. My ideas are always the best and if you don’t want to take my advice then forget it. Or I go in to a “one up” story about an experience I’ve had that was way worse, thinking that will make you feel better about what you have just gone through. Apparently, that doesn’t work. If you are reading this and I have done that to you, I’m sorry.

Listening to people is key. All someone needs sometimes is just to be heard. They don’t want to be fixed or helped or one-uped. They just need a shoulder to cry on or a listening ear. Whatever shame or guilt you are in the middle of, just telling someone about it suddenly takes it away, makes it better, than just holding it all in.

I am lucky enough to have several people to talk to about everything and anything, I hope you do to. If you don’t, feel free to e-mail me or leave an anonymous comment. I promise, you will feel at least a little bit better just getting it out there. Then to realize you’re not the only person who feels this way is gold! Really, any emotion you have when you are feeling alone and discouraged is being felt by millions of other people. Why not just get it out there instead of letting it fester inside of you. Clean out the guilt and shame and make room for love and happiness. Hey, it’s worth a try.

It’s ok if your not perfect. In fact, people’s ideas of perfect are so different, who even knows what perfect is anymore.
Here is the definition of perfect: Make (something) completely free from faults or defects, or as close to such a condition as possible:
a.Being entirely without fault or defect: flawless “a perfect diamond”
satisfying all requirements: accurate
faithfully reproducing the original; specifically: letter perfect. Here is the link, http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/perfect

Personally I don’t like “perfect”. To me it seems to lack any personality or character. Let’s just say to me perfect would be robotic and unreal. Not really my style. I have my own set of “perfect”. Which makes me think of my husband. I have had so many past boyfriends that would have little “quirks” if you, will that drove me nuts. The way they pronounced a certain word... you say tomato I say tomAto....or a habit I couldn’t stand like drinking countless amounts of diet pepsi or just wearing the wrong clothes. Yes, I’d say I’m shallow or was just really not happy in a relationship so I picked out ridiculous things to dislike for a way out.

Now, back to my husband, the point of this “perfect” notion. He has flaws and little characteristics that would, in the past, drive me nuts. Instead, they are some of the things that I love most about him. Things I would never want to change. He knows what they are and I think everyone has their own imperfections. But to the right person, someone that truly loves you, those imperfections are what draws you closer. To the people that matter, those are the things that just make you who you are. What I’m trying to say is my husband isn’t perfect, if he was I wouldn’t be married to him I’d be married to a robot. But he is perfect to me. He is my kind of perfection. Which seems to mean accepting a person for who they are and loving every part of them no matter what. Your husband, sister, brother, best friend, anyone that truly matters to you. No one is the definition of perfect, but we are all perfect in our own unique ways.

So I hope I haven’t confused you to much, I just started this “soul search” and I hope it inspires you to read it as much as it inspires me to write it.

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Don't forget me!

I apologize for being a little “off” if you will. I have been enjoying my summer and really at a lack of what to write. I don’t seem to find the time to come up with my clever this and that's. Between the gym, pool, playtime with the kids and trying to keep my house somewhat presentable, all I want to do at the end of the night is curl up and have a drink!

I hope you are all enjoying your summer as much as I am. I do have some silly stories, but I’m still trying to find the time and motivation to actually write them down. The kids get seriously annoyed and whiny when I am on the computer so my ability to concentrate and create anything that is actually blog worthy is just not there. Hopefully sooner than later I will come up with something amazing....leave you hanging at the edge of your seats. Until then...I haven’t forgotten about you all! Please don’t forget about me!

Monday, July 11, 2011

Duvet this!

Oh sweet duvet. Your so soft and cozy, why must you torture me! Pulling you onto my better than down comforter is just plain silly! Isn’t there a better way!

I first started with all buttons open and hanging half way off my bed. It doesn’t open like other duvets I’ve had and that sucks! I have to get on the bed and feed the comforter into the duvet. Today that took a good 10 minutes after which I realized it was in the wrong way. During my series of shakes and fluffing, I could see that the comforter on the inside didn’t go all the way to the end of the cover on the outside. Awesome. Lets start again.

The kids keep asking when they can put the pillows on as I rip the fake down out of my cozy cover.

“When I finish putting this cover on!”

“Mom....that will take forever!”

“Yes honey, yes it will.”

So I start again...no, it didn’t get any easier the second time around. I wonder if anyone could see me through my window. Ass up on all fours thrusting the comforter into my cover once again. It would be quite a sight trying to figure out what I was doing fully clothed on my bed in a very provocative position. Oh honey, if you could see me now! We live on a cul de sac and I don’t think our neighbors could see even if they tried, but these are the things I think about.

Finally, I got that bitch on and every time I do it, I wonder what I was thinking. Wouldn’t a regular comforter be just as cozy? The answer is no, absolutely not. That is why I torture  myself and continue with my duvet dance. Its worth it.

If anyone knows some secret trick to putting a duvet cover on pass it along would you. I would love to stop the madness and still enjoy my fluffy, comfy comforter!

Friday, July 8, 2011

Is that a ken doll?

As you know I was away for about a week. My family and I traveled to Maine and it is filled with a lot of interesting people. Mostly nice and a few well, lets just stick with interesting.

 It seems that their are a lot of men that like to keep them selves looking tip top and young these days. However, one man took it to an extreme. My family and I were walking back to our hotel and I noticed a man riding on a bicycle. He was delivering pizza’s. Usually, I see young teenagers preforming this duty, but this man appeared to be much older.

His handle on the faded yellow cruiser fully equipped with a silver basket and pizza holder was not quite up to par. I noticed him because he just about run into a car before he skidded to a stop and almost flipped over the handlebars. He saved it, but it was a little to close for comfort. I could imagine his heart racing a mile a minute as passer byers just walked by and stared.

I felt bad for this pizza man but could only stare like the rest of them. I would have helped if he needed it. Then, I wondered what he was made of, because skin does not typically look like this. He actually looked like a man sized ken doll. It was crazy. I was trying to get my husbands attention so he could explain to me what I was seeing, but with kids screaming, there was no way to be discrete. He missed it.

Seriously, the man had no hair except on his head. Come to think of it, I don’t even remember if he had hair under that pizza hat. I was to drawn to the plastic look of his....everything! I have never seen such a human before and I was a little weirded out. Was I imagining things. Couldn’t everyone see this plastic man? He must be a robot or a pod person or something. I decided pizza wasn’t going to be on our menu that evening.

A day later on our way to lunch, I saw the infamous ken doll on his cruiser. I shouted for my husband to look. He assured me that it was no pod person, just a man that has been in the sun for way too long. He said that when he leaves the sun that tight plastic skin would wither in to loose flabby wrinkles. Gross. Keep that skin protected people, that was some sight.

Wednesday, July 6, 2011


Its funny how things change when you have children. I was never a big fan of fireworks until I saw how much my kids loved them.

We have been going to Maine now for a few years on July 4th. Its kind of a tradition and I like that. We started taking my daughter with us 3 years ago and my son 2 years ago. This year was the first year that we didn’t have to stay right on top of the kids. They are old enough to hang out in the kiddie pool, even though we were still sitting on the edge with them, and they usually listen when we tell them not to splash other kids, take their toys, ect.

So it was just a nice vacation. Of course we had our afternoon temper tantrums and night time meltdowns, but it was a lot easier for the most part. So, on July fourth, we watched the fireworks from the huge lawn at our hotel overlooking the ocean. They so close if looked like the fireworks were coming right at us. My daughter saw them last year while my son slept in his stroller. She had described the fireworks as candy falling from the sky.

This year, she loved them too. She was like, “Hey mom, you know which one I like best? All of them!” My son, seeing them for the first time, shouted “Horay” and “More, More!.” Then, “Look Mommy, Look!” It was so cute. My daughter was starting to get cold and wanted to go back to our “house in Maine” and then she would see a huge display of fire in the sky. She said it looked like fire and ice. Then one of many “I cant believe my eyes mom!” would randomly jump out of her mouth. It was just a pleasure seeing the fireworks through their eyes.

I’m personally not a big fan of them. I would rather just watch them on tv and avoid the crowds, or just forget about them altogether. Now, I’m singing a different tune. To see things through my children’s eyes makes me appreciate just about everything so much more. I am so fortunate to have them. They teach me more than I’ll ever be able to teach them.

I really got to just enjoy my family this week and I’m sad that it’s over already. My husband goes back to work tomorrow and it has been so nice having him around. My kids and I really love spending time with him, so I have to say, the rest of the week is not looking to enjoyable. We’ll make the best of it, we always do. It is, however, almost the weekend, so that's a plus.

Just wanted to drop a quick blog and say I hope you all had a wonderful holiday! I have more stories, but that's the first one I wanted to share with you. Until tomorrow then.