Soul searching

I have decided to take my blog in a different direction, at least for now, while I am doing a little “soul searching”. I would like to take all of you on this journey with me. Perhaps it will lead you to your own journey.

I so often feel like I am not good enough, a “Waynes World” recap of “I’m not worthy, I’m not worthy” is ringing in my head. I also realized that I am not the only person in the world experiencing this emotion. This may be the reason I am sharing it with all of you. I have just started reading a book The Gifts of Imperfection by Brene Brown after reading countless other self help, self love, books. I have noticed that I certainly do not lack the courage to say what is on my mind and exactly how I feel. However, I do harbor  the feeling  of “I’m not good enough” and often put up the “whatever” front or I attack the person that makes me feel vulnerable and then I cry.

I’ve noticed, so far, that I am lacking in compassion and always trying to fix people instead of just listening to them. I just say, your great why don’t you try this instead. My ideas are always the best and if you don’t want to take my advice then forget it. Or I go in to a “one up” story about an experience I’ve had that was way worse, thinking that will make you feel better about what you have just gone through. Apparently, that doesn’t work. If you are reading this and I have done that to you, I’m sorry.

Listening to people is key. All someone needs sometimes is just to be heard. They don’t want to be fixed or helped or one-uped. They just need a shoulder to cry on or a listening ear. Whatever shame or guilt you are in the middle of, just telling someone about it suddenly takes it away, makes it better, than just holding it all in.

I am lucky enough to have several people to talk to about everything and anything, I hope you do to. If you don’t, feel free to e-mail me or leave an anonymous comment. I promise, you will feel at least a little bit better just getting it out there. Then to realize you’re not the only person who feels this way is gold! Really, any emotion you have when you are feeling alone and discouraged is being felt by millions of other people. Why not just get it out there instead of letting it fester inside of you. Clean out the guilt and shame and make room for love and happiness. Hey, it’s worth a try.

It’s ok if your not perfect. In fact, people’s ideas of perfect are so different, who even knows what perfect is anymore.
Here is the definition of perfect: Make (something) completely free from faults or defects, or as close to such a condition as possible:
a.Being entirely without fault or defect: flawless “a perfect diamond”
satisfying all requirements: accurate
faithfully reproducing the original; specifically: letter perfect. Here is the link, http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/perfect

Personally I don’t like “perfect”. To me it seems to lack any personality or character. Let’s just say to me perfect would be robotic and unreal. Not really my style. I have my own set of “perfect”. Which makes me think of my husband. I have had so many past boyfriends that would have little “quirks” if you, will that drove me nuts. The way they pronounced a certain word... you say tomato I say tomAto....or a habit I couldn’t stand like drinking countless amounts of diet pepsi or just wearing the wrong clothes. Yes, I’d say I’m shallow or was just really not happy in a relationship so I picked out ridiculous things to dislike for a way out.

Now, back to my husband, the point of this “perfect” notion. He has flaws and little characteristics that would, in the past, drive me nuts. Instead, they are some of the things that I love most about him. Things I would never want to change. He knows what they are and I think everyone has their own imperfections. But to the right person, someone that truly loves you, those imperfections are what draws you closer. To the people that matter, those are the things that just make you who you are. What I’m trying to say is my husband isn’t perfect, if he was I wouldn’t be married to him I’d be married to a robot. But he is perfect to me. He is my kind of perfection. Which seems to mean accepting a person for who they are and loving every part of them no matter what. Your husband, sister, brother, best friend, anyone that truly matters to you. No one is the definition of perfect, but we are all perfect in our own unique ways.

So I hope I haven’t confused you to much, I just started this “soul search” and I hope it inspires you to read it as much as it inspires me to write it.