No Food, No fun

Did you ever want to just slam in to someone with your shopping cart? Well, today while I was at target, that’s exactly what I wanted to do. I went out today feeling very hungry. When I haven’t eaten I get a little crazy. I grabbed an apple before I left the house which was taken from me by my daughter. So, I was running on empty and after coming up empty handed at Michaels craft store, for fathers day knick knacks, I thought I would hit up target.

So everyone was at the “Fathers day” card section. We’re all slackers. No one would move their carts and people were just crowded around the cards like they were about to sell out. I found the FOUR cards I needed, yes FOUR, and got the hell out of there. My daughters birthday party is next weekend so I decided to get a head start on some goodies.

As I’m about to turn down the isle a woman goes right in front of me and stops. She decides to turn and yell at her son to hurry up. Then she just stands there waiting for him while he fondles the toys and completely ignores her. Now she’s pissed and will not just move out of the way. I want to yell “don’t just stand there, go swipe his ass up and get the hell out of my way!”

Does she even see me patiently waiting to go down the isle. Plotting to myself how I’m going to slam this cart into her huge thigh and hope she moves! Still standing there waiting for her little angel. Really, not even a glance or a oh, sorry. Nope. I would normally say something and just push through, but my mind was racing and my stomach was growling so animal instincts were in full throttle. All I could think was how badly I wanted to shove her out of my way with my monsterous red carriage and not send a message to my children that its alright to hit. By the time I was done talking to myself, she was gone and I was free to move down the isle.

I know that sounds incredibly mean, but when I’m hungry, that’s how I roll. As I browse through the store for this and that, I am wondering what I can buy to shove in my face as soon as we get in the car. Nothing looks good and I want everything. I just have to get the essentials I need until my “big” shopping trip. Goldfish, pretzels, buns, swim vest, you know, the usual. Then I hear, “Mommy, I have to pee”. Of course you do. So we haul ass to the other side of the store and someone is in the bathroom. We use the target bathroom by the pharmacy, usually, its a better choice....not today.

I hear a flush and expect someone to walk out in a minute or two. Then, I hear the water. A few minutes later, the super Xcelerator dryer. Still, no one has emerged and I’m wondering what I have to look forward to once its our turn. Finally, the door is opening. Oh shit....literally..... a very large male target employee walks out. I think I saw some sweat on his brow. Do I dare? Do I have a choice? Quick, lets just do it, we don’t have time to run to the front of the store.

My daughter walks in and immediately plugs her nose. I’m trying to take small breaths and begin rethinking my potty choice. It smelled like an actual cow walked into that bathroom and let loose. Am I going to pass out? I got this. She is already pants down on the potty. Gross, no time to clean it off. I actually purelled her butt when she was done. Yuck. We did what we came to do, now off to the checkout.

When I got to the car I was so hungry I ransacked the bags to find anything to eat. The kids wanted fruit snacks, but that just sounded gross. I actually considered making a sandwich with a hamburger bun and salsa. No, that would be to messy. Frozen chicken nuggets, absolutely not, but my choices were limited. Goldfish are a hot commodity around here so I didn’t want to waste them. I would have taken down the whole bag. So I wait. Drive home in a I need food coma and down 2 hotdogs upon entering the house. Whew, I think I’ll call it a day. No good comes when mama’s hungry.